In all circumstances...

Hi all,

First things first.  It has been way too long since I have written and for that I am sorry.  My intentions are good but my follow through is woefully inadequate.  As many of you know, the last six months or so have been quite a ride.  I can tell you truthfully that there has rarely been a dull moment.

On Superbowl Sunday Andy and I celebrated our two year anniversary in grand style with me in my sweats and bathrobe and he on his knee with a proposal.  It was an amazing day.  I am so excited to start this new chapter in our lives together and excited to walk down the aisle with my dad to Andy.  It was an excellent day despite the fact that it was not the Packer's we watched play that day.

In September Andy and I were running in the house as our mom's have both warned against on countless occasions and I slipped and fractured ribs.  The subsequent six weeks of pain was the worst I've ever experienced, compounded by a couple other factors.  First, I developed a cold during this time and every time I sneezed I thought briefly that I may pass out.  Second, Andy is really funny, and every time he made me laugh it felt much like I had just sneezed.  Tough stuff.  Note to self, don't crack ribs again.

October and beyond is what I really want to talk about because some pretty cool things happened.  I'll hit the highlights.

I got a call from my gynecologist that went pretty much like this.  "Complex ovarian masses, suspicious for cancer, CT scan today, oncologist tomorrow, surgery next week, goodbye right ovary, possible further treatment required."  I got the call at 8:10 a.m. sitting in my office.  I sat at my desk and hung up the phone feeling like I was in a different world.  Had my doctor just said "cancer"?  It was a very strange and unpleasant feeling.  Two days later Andy and I were sitting in an oncologist's office in the Women's Cancer Center as she told us that she concurred with the cancer diagnosis but felt that they were catching it as early as stage one.

So here's the cool part.  I went home and lived my life.  I still attended my meetings, I still worked with my girls.  I showed up at the office and did my job well.  Andy and I continued to hit our knees each morning for meditation and prayer.  And inside I was at peace.  I heard a speaker say years ago that if your faith only works when you don't need it then you don't need it.  And here I was needing faith and it was there.  I had found that my faith really worked.

Following surgery it was discovered that there was no cancer.  The surgeon later referred to me with colleagues as "the disappearing tumor girl".  I've been called worse.

So, no cancer but lots of fibroids, eight to be exact, the largest two as follows.  One the size of a uterus and one the size of a sixteen week pregnancy.  I had two surgery's a month apart and was on top of the world enjoying my new found health until St. Patrick's Day.

That day I was going into hour nine of a six hour project reorganizing the trailers at the office.  Andy and I had recently joked about how bad things happen in threes so with my fractured ribs and two surgeries I was in for a long time of smooth sailing.

I've heard it said that "life is what happens when we made other plans".  So true for me.  My period of health was awesome but short lived.  At about 6pm that night I was directing a driver to a parking spot as he backed in a trailer, about the hundredth we'd moved that day.  I have been in this business for a long time and know not to stand behind equipment but for the first time I was standing a foot too far over.  The driver had been driving tractors and backing trailers for a long time too but for the first time he hit the wrong pedal when he mistook the throttle for the fifth wheel release.  The truck lurched back suddenly and I was slammed backward and pinned between two 15,000 pound steel flat bed trailers.  The driver stopped a few inches short of crushing me and instead of death I walked away with a broken wrist (radius) and chest contusions.

I don't know why any of this happened.  I think of all the circumstances.  What if I would have just moved over?  Could it have been different?  There is scene from one of the Matrix movies that runs through my mind.  "What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way."  "How do you know that?"  "Because we're still alive."  I wonder about that.  I have free will, yes, but I also believe that God is all knowing.  Is my whole life already written or do I really have the power to affect change?  I don't have the answer.

Here's the great part.  I don't need to have the answers.  Whatever the external circumstances, my role doesn't change.  I am to be of love and service.  Grow God, Shrink Jen applies all the time, in all circumstances, maybe especially during the tough times.  Here's how it worked that day.

The guy who hit me drove me to the hospital.  All I could see was pain, my wrist screaming and hanging at an odd angle, my chest feeling like it was hit with a sledgehammer.  I think I'm going to pass out but know that I can't because my driver does not know the way to the hospital.  His voice seems far away but I over and over I hear him chanting "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."  At the Emergency Room he follows me to my room and continues the chant.  Suddenly his terrified voice breaks through my wall of self and it occurs to me that this guy is more afraid than I am.  A lot more.  He is pacing back and forth oblivious of the nurses and doctors trying to move around him, holding his head in his hands, repeating his chant of apology and shaking all over.

In that moment I was able to step back from my own internal chant that goes like this; "me, me, me, me, me, me" and think about someone else.  I called him over to the bed and told him it was alright, that we were in a hospital with good care, that the wounds would heal, that we were fortunate that it wasn't worse, that his family needed him to go to them.  The great thing about getting out of me is that whatever monumental problem I think I have immediately diminishes.  It is tough to think about pain while simultaneously trying to convince someone else that everything will be okay.  Over and over again, God frees me from me, and boy do I need that freedom.

This week has been a great one.  On Monday I went to the surgeon and he said things look good and he thinks that the chance of needing surgery now is slim.  He also released me from my giant splint and put me in a much smaller cast.  My elbow is super excited to be free again.  He also gave me the okay to get back to the gym for some cardio.

I also have to mention that this past week and a half has also reaffirmed what a truly amazing fiance I am blessed to have.  Andy has cooked, cleaned, done my hair, put deodorant under my left arm, washed and dried my hair and held my eyes open so I could put in my contacts.  Mary Mieler, you raised an amazing man!

I am resolving to try to send updates more regularly so that they don't turn rambling as I fear this one has!