Grow God, Shrink Jen, A Prayer of Thanksgiving.

"Mommy, does Jesus really live inside me?"

"Yes Love.  Right inside, every moment, every day."

"Mommy, is Jesus bigger than me?"

"So much bigger My Love.  Bigger than all the earth, the moon, the stars."

"Mommy, if Jesus is inside of me, and he's bigger than me,

shouldn't He show through?"

My own childhood, and, let's face it, much of my adulthood have been characterized by far less insightful thoughts and questions, my own thoughts often being largely reflective of a preoccupation with Self, rather than with God or with His kids.  I believed from early memory that what I wanted was of paramount importance, that my wants would bring happiness and that above all I must look out for me since no one else would.  During my childhood, commercials on our boxy television showed grainy pictures of children content and happy at play with toys of which I only dreamed.  

I remember clearly the Cabbage Patch Kids craze of years past, of laying in my bed and wishing, dreaming of the joy that would come in the green box and the years of satisfaction which surely stretched before me if only I could get this doll.  Late one night my mom walked into my dark room with a box she was too excited to wait until morning to give.  It contained the coveted doll, Dodie Elizabeth by name, according to the attached Birth Certificate.  I adored her, for a time.  Everything, only for a time.  My life until recent years has been marked by the dissatisfaction of searching out the next thing, and the obsession that someday, somehow it will be the thing that lasts,  the thing that time does not diminish, that the shiny finish does not wear off of, that never seems old or out of fashion, that leaves me satisfied and at peace.

The last decade or so of my life has brought changes that my finite mind could never have dreamed even in it's most brilliant moments, among them a shift to service, a refusal to be run by my feelings (for long anyway) and a process, a purpose, a mission in my life that I call Grow God, Shrink Jen which, at it's core, is all about the action I take and often the action I don't take.  It's the recognition of both my right place and proportion in God's universe and, after decades of seeking things to make me happy, the more startling awakening to the fact that I am at my best when my life is not centered around me, but around God, that the peace and satisfaction I have chased for a lifetime comes only when I have stopped making my peace and satisfaction the goal of a lifetime.

Grow God, shrink Jen.  The phrase has become my mantra, I repeat it dozens of times daily and in my head it looms in letters stretching to the sky.  I repeat it as prayer, as thanks, and, when trapped in the Pit of Self, a desperate, humble plea.  This way spurs me on to actions that seem contrary to what my head says will make me feel better.  Yet it works.  Every day.  God cannot fail.  Grow God, shrink Jen.  Repeat.

I have an amazing life.  I have a faithful, loving God today who allows me to step back from my life, most of which I find is none of my business anyway, and simply follow His lead.  His grace meets me daily exactly where I am whether I feel worthy of it or not.  I am surrounded regularly by women who both challenge and inspire me.  The growth and change we experience together is one of the greatest blessings of my life and that these women trust me with the intimacies of their lives and struggles is a humbling truth.  I have a man in my life today who knows all my flaws, my many, many flaws, all my baggage, and still loves me, tells me so all the time and more significantly, shows me in his actions.  I have enjoyed a career that has allowed me to travel to places I never would have thought to go which have led me to people who have touched my life in ways I can never forget.  My family, every last one of them have stuck with me through the best and the worst and never wavered in their love.  They have been kind, generous and forgiving beyond what I have ever deserved.  Not least of all is the fact that I have the privilege of walking into a home every day to be greeted by wagging tails on dogfaces who are always delighted that I have once again come home to them.  God, your blessings are so abundant.

My former Pastor and always mentor Jeff Manion says "God loves you not because you're so good, but because he is."  This powerful truth is held up to me daily as I see these unearned blessings continue to pour over my life, to shower me in His Grace.  How does a former drunk who couldn't be trusted with a toothpick get to this point?  Giant, unfathomable Grace is surely my only answer.  Grow God, Shrink Jen.  Repeat.  Action, action and more action.


A few weeks ago I set off on a business trip which took me from Salt Lake City to Vernal, Utah then to Rock Springs, Wyoming.  The last day of my trip found me awakening to a beautiful mountain view, red rock and green trees in every direction.  I had certificate for a free breakfast, yay free breakfast, at the diner across the street.  My trip had been successful.  I had enjoyed a good night sleep in a soft bed.  On the outside everything looked perfect, everything looked right, the recipe for an amazing day.  And on the inside I didn't care about any of it; job, trees, views, dogs.  God, I am in a Pit of Self.  Please get me out.

The big secret of my life for many years was that my outsides never matched my insides.  I spent a lifetime in fear, feeling like a fraud, feeling alone in rooms full of people, feeling apart from instead of a part of, trying to manipulate those around me to make me okay.  Today I am grateful that this is no longer the case, but the truth is that every once in a while everything is right but it still all feels wrong.  I don't know if there is a reason for that and I don't spend much time in thought on the topic.  One of my greatest freedoms today is the ability to take the right action on spite of my feelings.  After all, when I go to the doctor my concern is not how I got the flu but what I can now do to be rid of it.  I care much less today about the condition than about the cure.  It is the same for me when I go on these Binges of Self.  I am much less comfortable in this place of self today, self will, self satisfaction, self seeking, and as a result I look for relief in a much more timely fashion than ever before.  Grow God, shrink Jen.  Action, action and more action.

So I shower at the hotel and pack reluctantly to start my day, though what I want is to lay in bed for perhaps the entire day, maybe two.  I sulk into the diner and sit down at the counter with my free coupon where I am immediately annoyed when it is pointed out to me that my choice of free breakfast is limited to just two options, one of which I would have chosen anyway but I do not appreciate the choice being thrust upon me.  I keep my head down  and browse the newspaper judging each story in it's way to be ridiculous and unworthy of my time.  God, please save me from Self.

A elderly man sits down next to me, encroaching on my personal space in my judgement.  My days in self-will are marked by endless judgment and many unkind thoughts.  As I look up to scowl disapprovingly at him my eyes are drawn to his navy blue baseball hat and the symbol on its bill, a gold "M" that I would have recognized anywhere, perhaps just a hat to him but to me a symbol of home in Michigan, a place that after four years gone is still home.  And wonder of wonders, when our eyes meet it is with a smile, not a frown that I meet my new friend.  Is that Jen shrinking?  We pass the meal talking about Michigan, which turns out to be his home too, though he is years gone from it as am I, and of his family, his memories.  He tells me about his wife, waiting for him back at their new house in Montana, his kids, grown now and with kids of their own, grand kids he sees too little, a fractured relationship with his own children and the pain he feels.  I feel Self retreating and Grace stepping forward and I know this small action is the beginning of God rescuing me once again.  Grow God, shrink Jen.

Action, action and more action.  I get in the car feeling a bit better, a bit more like the woman I know God would have me be, a thing that is important to me these days but never was before.  God, am I becoming the woman you would have me be?  Almost without thinking I search the unfamiliar radio waves for a sermon, any message to start this day over right.  In no time I am listening to a message on, what else but Grace, given by a Pastor I do not recognize.  I listen to the full program and at the end I am not shocked to hear that the broadcast has taken place at a church in my Michigan hometown of Grand Rapids.  God you save me always.

A giant, shiny Kenworth roars by me on the highway bearing the lettering, M.C. Van Kampen, Wyoming, MI.  A scant five minutes later a minivan passes wearing a bumper sticker identical to my own proudly proclaiming "Michigan, America's High Five".  I silently greet the woman and offer my thanks to God.  I see four Michigan license plates that day, likely more than I have seen during the whole of my time in Utah.  God, your provision is always perfect.

The plates inspire me to turn on a podcast of my church back in Michigan.  I scroll to the Ada Bible Church podcasts and from fifteen hundred miles away comes the voice of my mentor, my pastor, my friend, Jeff Manion.  The memories flood.  I miss my church.  I miss making coffee and putting out cookies.  I miss being accountable to such an amazing family.  I miss my friends there.  I miss the King's, the Conzelmann's, the Belmonte's, the Carpenter's and so many others that have so profoundly touched my life and who have a place always in my heart.  I miss seeing my small friend Emma, just seven when I left, now eleven which seems impossible, her warm heart, her love of service, her smile that lit every room, the day her tears nearly broke my heart when she thought she had been left behind and my shock at the depth of feeling I realized I had for a child who wasn't even my own.  I carry these people with me and think of them often.  They have helped shaped me, helped me to grow up, and the memories now, though accompanied by tears, are beautiful and treasured.  Thank you God for the people you have poured into my life.

As I listen to the message, in my mind I can see Jeff just as he must have looking speaking.  I see his facial expressions just exactly as they would have been, know when he would grin, where he would look up and pause, when he would hold the gaze of the church, see him in my mind just as if I were there in Ada, Michigan and not hearing it two months later in a car in Rock Springs, Wyoming over a thousand miles away.  Halfway through the message, titled Defining Moments, Jeff begins to tell a part of my story.  Yes, truly.  It was a story of one of my defining moments, maybe the beginning of my realization that more of Me was never going to be the answer.  Mine was the story of a desperately sick and sad girl in her twenties trying to escape herself and her addiction on a cross country move, and the sudden devastating realization that she would always be she no matter the change in geography, the thunderous thought spoken aloud in her head, "it's not them, it's you that is the problem Jen", the beginning of the end of the old way of life.  I remember clearly that day in 2004 that I stood around the church coffee pot with Jeff and began to tell him the story of all that had lead me to be at his church, at home and at peace.  Listening to Jeff tell that story years later and miles apart brought me home.  Thank you God, for bringing me home no matter how far I wander.

There is action, action and more action.  What a difference only hours can make when I am able to step back out of me and stand in the center of God's will for me. Does God put bumper stickers, license plates, trucks and messages in my path?  I don't know the answer to that.  I do know that I am far more likely to see all that God puts in my life, the full extravagance of His Creation, the unexpected beauty, the unplanned laughter, the surprise tears of gratitude, when my eyes are on Him and His kids, and off of Self.  It is only when God grows and Jen shrinks that I can see farther than ever before.

I ended that morning in a town called Farson, Wyoming, population 242.  Farson is a name from my favorite book series of all time, the Dark Tower, and I was excited to have stumbled upon a town with the same name.  I stopped for lunch at the one restaurant in town and instead of a sandwich I ordered a giant waffle cone filled with peanut butter chocolate ice cream and topped with crumbled Heath bars.  I talked with some of the locals about their lives there and chatted with the people at the counter.  I marveled at the beauty of the mountains, the streams, the trees, the jackrabbits and deer.  I stood present in the center of His will, exactly where I belong.  My mind on who I could be of service to, what He would have me be, how beautiful and wondrous is His creation.   It's a place I can stand regularly provided I continue the action.

Is He showing through me today?  Grow God, shrink Jen.  Repeat.