In all circumstances...

Hi all,

First things first.  It has been way too long since I have written and for that I am sorry.  My intentions are good but my follow through is woefully inadequate.  As many of you know, the last six months or so have been quite a ride.  I can tell you truthfully that there has rarely been a dull moment.

On Superbowl Sunday Andy and I celebrated our two year anniversary in grand style with me in my sweats and bathrobe and he on his knee with a proposal.  It was an amazing day.  I am so excited to start this new chapter in our lives together and excited to walk down the aisle with my dad to Andy.  It was an excellent day despite the fact that it was not the Packer's we watched play that day.

In September Andy and I were running in the house as our mom's have both warned against on countless occasions and I slipped and fractured ribs.  The subsequent six weeks of pain was the worst I've ever experienced, compounded by a couple other factors.  First, I developed a cold during this time and every time I sneezed I thought briefly that I may pass out.  Second, Andy is really funny, and every time he made me laugh it felt much like I had just sneezed.  Tough stuff.  Note to self, don't crack ribs again.

October and beyond is what I really want to talk about because some pretty cool things happened.  I'll hit the highlights.

I got a call from my gynecologist that went pretty much like this.  "Complex ovarian masses, suspicious for cancer, CT scan today, oncologist tomorrow, surgery next week, goodbye right ovary, possible further treatment required."  I got the call at 8:10 a.m. sitting in my office.  I sat at my desk and hung up the phone feeling like I was in a different world.  Had my doctor just said "cancer"?  It was a very strange and unpleasant feeling.  Two days later Andy and I were sitting in an oncologist's office in the Women's Cancer Center as she told us that she concurred with the cancer diagnosis but felt that they were catching it as early as stage one.

So here's the cool part.  I went home and lived my life.  I still attended my meetings, I still worked with my girls.  I showed up at the office and did my job well.  Andy and I continued to hit our knees each morning for meditation and prayer.  And inside I was at peace.  I heard a speaker say years ago that if your faith only works when you don't need it then you don't need it.  And here I was needing faith and it was there.  I had found that my faith really worked.

Following surgery it was discovered that there was no cancer.  The surgeon later referred to me with colleagues as "the disappearing tumor girl".  I've been called worse.

So, no cancer but lots of fibroids, eight to be exact, the largest two as follows.  One the size of a uterus and one the size of a sixteen week pregnancy.  I had two surgery's a month apart and was on top of the world enjoying my new found health until St. Patrick's Day.

That day I was going into hour nine of a six hour project reorganizing the trailers at the office.  Andy and I had recently joked about how bad things happen in threes so with my fractured ribs and two surgeries I was in for a long time of smooth sailing.

I've heard it said that "life is what happens when we made other plans".  So true for me.  My period of health was awesome but short lived.  At about 6pm that night I was directing a driver to a parking spot as he backed in a trailer, about the hundredth we'd moved that day.  I have been in this business for a long time and know not to stand behind equipment but for the first time I was standing a foot too far over.  The driver had been driving tractors and backing trailers for a long time too but for the first time he hit the wrong pedal when he mistook the throttle for the fifth wheel release.  The truck lurched back suddenly and I was slammed backward and pinned between two 15,000 pound steel flat bed trailers.  The driver stopped a few inches short of crushing me and instead of death I walked away with a broken wrist (radius) and chest contusions.

I don't know why any of this happened.  I think of all the circumstances.  What if I would have just moved over?  Could it have been different?  There is scene from one of the Matrix movies that runs through my mind.  "What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way."  "How do you know that?"  "Because we're still alive."  I wonder about that.  I have free will, yes, but I also believe that God is all knowing.  Is my whole life already written or do I really have the power to affect change?  I don't have the answer.

Here's the great part.  I don't need to have the answers.  Whatever the external circumstances, my role doesn't change.  I am to be of love and service.  Grow God, Shrink Jen applies all the time, in all circumstances, maybe especially during the tough times.  Here's how it worked that day.

The guy who hit me drove me to the hospital.  All I could see was pain, my wrist screaming and hanging at an odd angle, my chest feeling like it was hit with a sledgehammer.  I think I'm going to pass out but know that I can't because my driver does not know the way to the hospital.  His voice seems far away but I over and over I hear him chanting "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."  At the Emergency Room he follows me to my room and continues the chant.  Suddenly his terrified voice breaks through my wall of self and it occurs to me that this guy is more afraid than I am.  A lot more.  He is pacing back and forth oblivious of the nurses and doctors trying to move around him, holding his head in his hands, repeating his chant of apology and shaking all over.

In that moment I was able to step back from my own internal chant that goes like this; "me, me, me, me, me, me" and think about someone else.  I called him over to the bed and told him it was alright, that we were in a hospital with good care, that the wounds would heal, that we were fortunate that it wasn't worse, that his family needed him to go to them.  The great thing about getting out of me is that whatever monumental problem I think I have immediately diminishes.  It is tough to think about pain while simultaneously trying to convince someone else that everything will be okay.  Over and over again, God frees me from me, and boy do I need that freedom.

This week has been a great one.  On Monday I went to the surgeon and he said things look good and he thinks that the chance of needing surgery now is slim.  He also released me from my giant splint and put me in a much smaller cast.  My elbow is super excited to be free again.  He also gave me the okay to get back to the gym for some cardio.

I also have to mention that this past week and a half has also reaffirmed what a truly amazing fiance I am blessed to have.  Andy has cooked, cleaned, done my hair, put deodorant under my left arm, washed and dried my hair and held my eyes open so I could put in my contacts.  Mary Mieler, you raised an amazing man!

I am resolving to try to send updates more regularly so that they don't turn rambling as I fear this one has!

Grow God, Shrink Jen, A Prayer of Thanksgiving.

"Mommy, does Jesus really live inside me?"

"Yes Love.  Right inside, every moment, every day."

"Mommy, is Jesus bigger than me?"

"So much bigger My Love.  Bigger than all the earth, the moon, the stars."

"Mommy, if Jesus is inside of me, and he's bigger than me,

shouldn't He show through?"

My own childhood, and, let's face it, much of my adulthood have been characterized by far less insightful thoughts and questions, my own thoughts often being largely reflective of a preoccupation with Self, rather than with God or with His kids.  I believed from early memory that what I wanted was of paramount importance, that my wants would bring happiness and that above all I must look out for me since no one else would.  During my childhood, commercials on our boxy television showed grainy pictures of children content and happy at play with toys of which I only dreamed.  

I remember clearly the Cabbage Patch Kids craze of years past, of laying in my bed and wishing, dreaming of the joy that would come in the green box and the years of satisfaction which surely stretched before me if only I could get this doll.  Late one night my mom walked into my dark room with a box she was too excited to wait until morning to give.  It contained the coveted doll, Dodie Elizabeth by name, according to the attached Birth Certificate.  I adored her, for a time.  Everything, only for a time.  My life until recent years has been marked by the dissatisfaction of searching out the next thing, and the obsession that someday, somehow it will be the thing that lasts,  the thing that time does not diminish, that the shiny finish does not wear off of, that never seems old or out of fashion, that leaves me satisfied and at peace.

The last decade or so of my life has brought changes that my finite mind could never have dreamed even in it's most brilliant moments, among them a shift to service, a refusal to be run by my feelings (for long anyway) and a process, a purpose, a mission in my life that I call Grow God, Shrink Jen which, at it's core, is all about the action I take and often the action I don't take.  It's the recognition of both my right place and proportion in God's universe and, after decades of seeking things to make me happy, the more startling awakening to the fact that I am at my best when my life is not centered around me, but around God, that the peace and satisfaction I have chased for a lifetime comes only when I have stopped making my peace and satisfaction the goal of a lifetime.

Grow God, shrink Jen.  The phrase has become my mantra, I repeat it dozens of times daily and in my head it looms in letters stretching to the sky.  I repeat it as prayer, as thanks, and, when trapped in the Pit of Self, a desperate, humble plea.  This way spurs me on to actions that seem contrary to what my head says will make me feel better.  Yet it works.  Every day.  God cannot fail.  Grow God, shrink Jen.  Repeat.

I have an amazing life.  I have a faithful, loving God today who allows me to step back from my life, most of which I find is none of my business anyway, and simply follow His lead.  His grace meets me daily exactly where I am whether I feel worthy of it or not.  I am surrounded regularly by women who both challenge and inspire me.  The growth and change we experience together is one of the greatest blessings of my life and that these women trust me with the intimacies of their lives and struggles is a humbling truth.  I have a man in my life today who knows all my flaws, my many, many flaws, all my baggage, and still loves me, tells me so all the time and more significantly, shows me in his actions.  I have enjoyed a career that has allowed me to travel to places I never would have thought to go which have led me to people who have touched my life in ways I can never forget.  My family, every last one of them have stuck with me through the best and the worst and never wavered in their love.  They have been kind, generous and forgiving beyond what I have ever deserved.  Not least of all is the fact that I have the privilege of walking into a home every day to be greeted by wagging tails on dogfaces who are always delighted that I have once again come home to them.  God, your blessings are so abundant.

My former Pastor and always mentor Jeff Manion says "God loves you not because you're so good, but because he is."  This powerful truth is held up to me daily as I see these unearned blessings continue to pour over my life, to shower me in His Grace.  How does a former drunk who couldn't be trusted with a toothpick get to this point?  Giant, unfathomable Grace is surely my only answer.  Grow God, Shrink Jen.  Repeat.  Action, action and more action.


A few weeks ago I set off on a business trip which took me from Salt Lake City to Vernal, Utah then to Rock Springs, Wyoming.  The last day of my trip found me awakening to a beautiful mountain view, red rock and green trees in every direction.  I had certificate for a free breakfast, yay free breakfast, at the diner across the street.  My trip had been successful.  I had enjoyed a good night sleep in a soft bed.  On the outside everything looked perfect, everything looked right, the recipe for an amazing day.  And on the inside I didn't care about any of it; job, trees, views, dogs.  God, I am in a Pit of Self.  Please get me out.

The big secret of my life for many years was that my outsides never matched my insides.  I spent a lifetime in fear, feeling like a fraud, feeling alone in rooms full of people, feeling apart from instead of a part of, trying to manipulate those around me to make me okay.  Today I am grateful that this is no longer the case, but the truth is that every once in a while everything is right but it still all feels wrong.  I don't know if there is a reason for that and I don't spend much time in thought on the topic.  One of my greatest freedoms today is the ability to take the right action on spite of my feelings.  After all, when I go to the doctor my concern is not how I got the flu but what I can now do to be rid of it.  I care much less today about the condition than about the cure.  It is the same for me when I go on these Binges of Self.  I am much less comfortable in this place of self today, self will, self satisfaction, self seeking, and as a result I look for relief in a much more timely fashion than ever before.  Grow God, shrink Jen.  Action, action and more action.

So I shower at the hotel and pack reluctantly to start my day, though what I want is to lay in bed for perhaps the entire day, maybe two.  I sulk into the diner and sit down at the counter with my free coupon where I am immediately annoyed when it is pointed out to me that my choice of free breakfast is limited to just two options, one of which I would have chosen anyway but I do not appreciate the choice being thrust upon me.  I keep my head down  and browse the newspaper judging each story in it's way to be ridiculous and unworthy of my time.  God, please save me from Self.

A elderly man sits down next to me, encroaching on my personal space in my judgement.  My days in self-will are marked by endless judgment and many unkind thoughts.  As I look up to scowl disapprovingly at him my eyes are drawn to his navy blue baseball hat and the symbol on its bill, a gold "M" that I would have recognized anywhere, perhaps just a hat to him but to me a symbol of home in Michigan, a place that after four years gone is still home.  And wonder of wonders, when our eyes meet it is with a smile, not a frown that I meet my new friend.  Is that Jen shrinking?  We pass the meal talking about Michigan, which turns out to be his home too, though he is years gone from it as am I, and of his family, his memories.  He tells me about his wife, waiting for him back at their new house in Montana, his kids, grown now and with kids of their own, grand kids he sees too little, a fractured relationship with his own children and the pain he feels.  I feel Self retreating and Grace stepping forward and I know this small action is the beginning of God rescuing me once again.  Grow God, shrink Jen.

Action, action and more action.  I get in the car feeling a bit better, a bit more like the woman I know God would have me be, a thing that is important to me these days but never was before.  God, am I becoming the woman you would have me be?  Almost without thinking I search the unfamiliar radio waves for a sermon, any message to start this day over right.  In no time I am listening to a message on, what else but Grace, given by a Pastor I do not recognize.  I listen to the full program and at the end I am not shocked to hear that the broadcast has taken place at a church in my Michigan hometown of Grand Rapids.  God you save me always.

A giant, shiny Kenworth roars by me on the highway bearing the lettering, M.C. Van Kampen, Wyoming, MI.  A scant five minutes later a minivan passes wearing a bumper sticker identical to my own proudly proclaiming "Michigan, America's High Five".  I silently greet the woman and offer my thanks to God.  I see four Michigan license plates that day, likely more than I have seen during the whole of my time in Utah.  God, your provision is always perfect.

The plates inspire me to turn on a podcast of my church back in Michigan.  I scroll to the Ada Bible Church podcasts and from fifteen hundred miles away comes the voice of my mentor, my pastor, my friend, Jeff Manion.  The memories flood.  I miss my church.  I miss making coffee and putting out cookies.  I miss being accountable to such an amazing family.  I miss my friends there.  I miss the King's, the Conzelmann's, the Belmonte's, the Carpenter's and so many others that have so profoundly touched my life and who have a place always in my heart.  I miss seeing my small friend Emma, just seven when I left, now eleven which seems impossible, her warm heart, her love of service, her smile that lit every room, the day her tears nearly broke my heart when she thought she had been left behind and my shock at the depth of feeling I realized I had for a child who wasn't even my own.  I carry these people with me and think of them often.  They have helped shaped me, helped me to grow up, and the memories now, though accompanied by tears, are beautiful and treasured.  Thank you God for the people you have poured into my life.

As I listen to the message, in my mind I can see Jeff just as he must have looking speaking.  I see his facial expressions just exactly as they would have been, know when he would grin, where he would look up and pause, when he would hold the gaze of the church, see him in my mind just as if I were there in Ada, Michigan and not hearing it two months later in a car in Rock Springs, Wyoming over a thousand miles away.  Halfway through the message, titled Defining Moments, Jeff begins to tell a part of my story.  Yes, truly.  It was a story of one of my defining moments, maybe the beginning of my realization that more of Me was never going to be the answer.  Mine was the story of a desperately sick and sad girl in her twenties trying to escape herself and her addiction on a cross country move, and the sudden devastating realization that she would always be she no matter the change in geography, the thunderous thought spoken aloud in her head, "it's not them, it's you that is the problem Jen", the beginning of the end of the old way of life.  I remember clearly that day in 2004 that I stood around the church coffee pot with Jeff and began to tell him the story of all that had lead me to be at his church, at home and at peace.  Listening to Jeff tell that story years later and miles apart brought me home.  Thank you God, for bringing me home no matter how far I wander.

There is action, action and more action.  What a difference only hours can make when I am able to step back out of me and stand in the center of God's will for me. Does God put bumper stickers, license plates, trucks and messages in my path?  I don't know the answer to that.  I do know that I am far more likely to see all that God puts in my life, the full extravagance of His Creation, the unexpected beauty, the unplanned laughter, the surprise tears of gratitude, when my eyes are on Him and His kids, and off of Self.  It is only when God grows and Jen shrinks that I can see farther than ever before.

I ended that morning in a town called Farson, Wyoming, population 242.  Farson is a name from my favorite book series of all time, the Dark Tower, and I was excited to have stumbled upon a town with the same name.  I stopped for lunch at the one restaurant in town and instead of a sandwich I ordered a giant waffle cone filled with peanut butter chocolate ice cream and topped with crumbled Heath bars.  I talked with some of the locals about their lives there and chatted with the people at the counter.  I marveled at the beauty of the mountains, the streams, the trees, the jackrabbits and deer.  I stood present in the center of His will, exactly where I belong.  My mind on who I could be of service to, what He would have me be, how beautiful and wondrous is His creation.   It's a place I can stand regularly provided I continue the action.

Is He showing through me today?  Grow God, shrink Jen.  Repeat.

Delicious and Super Easy Summer Dessert

This dessert is called Snickers Heath Apple Salad and has a few awesome features that should be pointed out before we proceed.

1.  It is almost embarrassingly easy but looks like it took a lot of time.
2.  It has apples in it which don't keep well so eating the whole thing in one sitting    can be forgiven in the interest of not wasting food.
3.  It is called "salad" so my mom insists she can still eat it even during times when her diet requires her to pass on dessert. (You don't need to be on a diet anyway mom)
4.  It is east to modify to taste; sub your favorite candy bar, use less candy more apples, fat free whip cream, low sodium pretzels, fat free milk, etc.


Snickers Carmel Apple Salad


1 box instant vanilla pudding
3/4c. milk
1 container Cool Whip, thawed
1/2c. pretzels
Carmel topping
Chocolate topping
Fruit garnish
2 Granny Smith apples, cored and chunked
4 full size Snickers & Heath (or any mix you like) bars, frozen and chunked

In a large bowl whisk together pudding and milk.
Mix in Cool Whip, apples and candy bars
Place pretzels in a plastic bag and crush.  Sprinkle over mixture.
Drizzle with caramel and chocolate topping and finish with fruit garnish.

Eat LOTS!!!

Greetings from the West all!  I would like to start by telling you all that in beautiful Salt Lake City Utah the average temperature in May is 72 degrees with an average precipitation of  2.98 inches.  Sounds perfect to me.  I wouldn't know firsthand however since this particular May has been one of the coldest and wettest (that word looks all wrong to me, but Spellcheck gives it the green light so there you go) in history with average temperatures in the 50's and rain almost daily.  I am still hoping for some sort of summer but not holding my breath as there is still quite a bit of snow in the mountains outside the house!

The falls are finally free of the
massive layer of ice that
covered them all winter!

Another Andrew D. Mieler original

May started on a wonderful high note, spending the weekend visiting family and friends in Fort Wayne.  It was a great time but so busy and packed with fun that we took only a couple of pictures until a couple hours before the plane took off when we found a little time to slip away and peek at a church Andy designed in Indianapolis.

.

We were so grateful for all our friends who took time from their schedules to see us and make us feel so welcome, for Bob and his hospitality (much better accommodations than many hotels Bob!) and family who traveled from Michigan and Wisconsin to spend time with us.  We love you all. 

Dominic, Erin and Anna's
new guy Copper (love the
Fox & the Hound tribute)

The next weekend was Mother's Day and though I didn't get to see my mom I did enter her in a contest run by my favorite handbag designer, Harvey's, and was shocked when she won.  Her winning was not the surprise since she is fabulous after all, the shock was that I never win anything.  Let me just say that once more.  I never win anything.  Andy was kind enough to point out that I still didn't win anything, that technically mom did, so I guess my streak is alive.

The winning entry and photo...
"Mom you're our Sunshine!  This was a fabulous night we spent at the theater sporting our Seatbeltbags.  I don't remember the play but I remember the laughs and how much we enjoyed being with you.  This picture is extra special because with the three of us so far away from each other in three different states it is rare that we get a picture of mom with both her girls.  I know that not only on Mother's Day, but all year long your wish is to be able to spend more time with us and we hope to make that wish come true.  Thank you for always supporting our dreams, no matter how crazy they seem (or turn out to be)!  My dream bag for mom would be the Barbie Medium Boat Tote All Dolled Up, which would make mom feel quite dolled up herself!"

And the prize...

Adorable pink woven seatbelts printed with dozens of vintage 1959 Barbie dolls. Accessorized with an adorable, detachable Barbie dangle.
Classic seatbelt material is sewn horizontally giving this bag a lightweight design. 
Made of durable automotive seatbelt 

May has been a super busy month so I am breaking it into two installments.  Stay tuned (as soon as I can get pictures downloaded from Andy's camera) for the next exciting edition featuring St. George, aka Polygamy capitol of Utah, Zion National Park, Las Vegas, Hoover Dam, and wonder of wonders, brief jaunts to Arizona and gay Paris (read Gay Pareee).

Howard Lee...Mountain Man

My last hike was way back on New Year's Day, so we decided to head out for a much warmer, less snowy and long overdue hike on Easter Sunday.  Of course Lambeau joined us, and being a super energetic young beagle we knew he could run all day if we let him.

Leambeau's ears flapping in the breeze

Howard, of course, was the wild card of the day.  I have been telling Andy for months that Howard is going to be a great mountain dog, however he was understandably skeptical and I have to admit that during our time in the mountains we did not encounter any other four pound beasties running about.  

There is still snow on Ben Lomond

In truth I think Howard surprised us both.  He kept up like a champ,  tail wagging and ears flapping the whole time.  He was a little warrior plowing through the brush and standing proudly atop peaks overlooking the city.  We walked for three hours and I had to hold him only at the very end.  People we encountered were quite amused by him as he traversed rocks, cracks and cacti like an old pro.

I was amazed by the fact that we were able to pick out our house almost the entire hike, no matter how high we climbed, thanks mostly to a construction project which involves bright blue pipes laid next to our house.

My parents used to say "time flies when you're having fun" and it was certainly true on Sunday.  Eventually our stomachs forced us to check watches and only then did we realize we had been out for almost three hours and were still heading up, at which point we reversed our course to prepare Easter dinner.


We had a half ham left over from Christmas, which, as it turns out, we should have probably started thawing about a week ago.  Our five o'clock dinner time passed us by as we waited for the internal temperature of the ham to rise past forty degrees, which seemed like a lifetime of waiting while our stomachs growled.

Chef Mieler glazing the ham

As with most good things, it was worth the wait.  We lit our Easter candles from Mary and shared a lovely dinner with good reminiscences about family and friends.

Happy Easter to you all, and soon I hope to say Happy Spring and mean it, however it was snowing on my way to the office today so I'm not holding my breath.  

Citrus Smoked Chicken Salad Appetizer

Happy Spring all!  I seem to make these appetizers every year about this time and this year was no exception as they seemed like the perfect thing for a friend's outdoor going away party.  They just scream warmer weather to me and look like they take all day while in reality they are a 30 minute dish.  I like to bring dishes that don't require plates or flatware to these events since seating is often limited and these appetizers fit the bill perfectly since they are easy to eat while standing.  They are always a hit and easy to vary depending on your taste.  You can use the recipe to stuff mushrooms or tomatoes or my favorite, in Athens Fillo cups.  It would also be a terrific sandwich spread or cracker dip.  On this trip to the grocery I was unable to find the cups so I had to improvise, buying the fillo roll, then cutting and forming them into mini muffin tins.  The result was terrific though more time consuming than the pre-made cups so if you can find them, use them!  The smoky flavor combined with citrus makes it a unique dish.  I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

Makes 20 to 24 individual servings

1 large can chicken breast, diced

Salt and pepper
Liquid Smoke, a few drops to taste
1 tablespoon butter

1/3 cup finely grated parmesan or romano cheese
2 tablespoons celery, finely chopped
2 tablespoon green onion,finely chopped
4 tablespoons light mayonnaise
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
Sea salt, to taste
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Zest from one lemon

Season chicken with salt, pepper and Liquid Smoke to taste. Combine chicken in a bowl with celery, green onion, mayonnaise, cheese, lemon juice, salt and pepper.  Add lemon zest.  Mix well.

Spoon lemony chicken salad mixture into cups, arrange on a platter and serve. 

Super Gourmet Pizza

This recipe was inspired by my dad, the Master of Gourmet Pizza, though I am far from his skill level which includes making and tossing his own dough!  

The recipe is a modification of a white pizza which includes green and red peppers and several cheeses (my people are from Wisconsin after all). I hope you like it.

The World's Best Super Gourmet White Pizza for the Fancy Cook

Pizza crust of your choice (I like herb)
One skinless boneless chicken breast
Four to five fresh mozzarella medallions, cut into about 5 slices per medallion
Small bag of shredded mozzarella
Small container of crumbled goat cheese
1/3 Red pepper,  chopped
1/3 Green pepper, chopped
Alfredo sauce
Pesto
Teriyaki sauce

Preheat oven.  In a small frying pan combine 1/2 c. Teriyaki with 1/2 c. water.  Heat.  Add chicken and cook half through.  Remove.  Cut chicken into desired size cubes (I like them about a half inch square) and return to pan.  Finish cooking and set aside.  Mix Alfredo and Pesto to taste and spread over crust.  Distribute chicken evenly over crust, followed by fresh mozzarella and goat cheese.  Add about 75% of peppers (I like to reserve the rest to add to the top as it makes a really pretty pie).  Spread shredded mozzarella over the top and finish with remaining peppers.

Bake according to crust directions until golden brown on bottom and bubbly on top.  Enjoy!